You’ve heard it before: “It takes a village.”
This is a concept I have been obsessed with in motherhood. I grew up with both sets of grandparents within a 20-mile radius. (Yes, we’re all provincial Yankees, I get it.) Somehow, my parents also convinced all of their closest friends to move here, too, so I grew up with plenty of aunties and “cousins” within a 20-mile radius. I knew growing up this was special, but I kind of assumed I’d have the same when I grew up?
And then my entire friend group from college dispersed around the world after graduation.
Moving to a rural area (admittedly, not far from my hometown) has required a LOT of friend dating. There’s this venn diagram of Mom Friends where our kids get along and/or are in the same development stage, where we can hold a conversation and enjoy each other’s company, who will text me back and/or make plans, and—most importantly—where we share complementary parenting styles, which was not a core tenet of creating any other friend group. I want a mom friend who will be a co-parent while we are out, meaning: they will intervene if my kid is doing something they shouldn’t, and they are comfortable with me doing the same so we can all relax. My college friends swirled together more serendipitously, bonding over proximity and late-night philosophical conversations and in most cases, many, many hours at the pool.
Not so with Mom Friends. I have to try, and try, and try, still, because as we start to hit school schedules and extracurriculars suddenly the wide open maternity leave we all bonded through is increasingly like, “Sorry, we have X that day. Are you free 3 weeks from now?” Only to have a sick kid when the day finally rolls around.
This is all part of daily life, the one I’m building brick by brick in our tiny rural town. How do you build a village? What does it look like?
Rosie Spinks on Travel with Toddlers
That is the question Rosie Spinks, one of my FAVORITE Substack writers, thinks about all the time. She’s based in Leeds, Yorkshire, in the U.K. with her 3.5 year old son.
What I love about her writing is that she’s unafraid to look at the systemic context of why parenting, or just existing, is so hard right now:
Though this village conversation is often framed around how hard it is to be a parent, the problem is so much more expansive than that. It’s about the fact that so many of us feel we’re lacking in real-life, physical connection and support from one another. One reader used the phrase “webs of obligation” to describe what we’re talking about here. I can’t think of a more perfect image to counteract the linear, identity-obsessed (hello, parents versus non-parents discourse), and individualistic mode that our culture wants us to operate in.
I remember when I arrived at our new house after a hellacious day of moving with a cat and a toddler, my brother-in-law and his wife were there with snacks, helping out, making jokes, and just generally not being exhausted and frayed. Just their presence dialed down the pressure cooker that is created when two stressed out people are constantly together. All they had to do was be there. – Rosie Spinks
So what does this have to do with travel, you ask? We often think of family travel as a way to escape. But what if it was to make more connections instead? I am fascinated by Rosie’s travel strategy with her little one:
I’d love to hear about the transition from being a digital nomad to parent and what that meant for you, identity-wise.
I had my big travel identity shift during the pandemic. In the decade prior, my entire life had been predicated on the idea of getting on an airplane with a moment’s notice. I lived in London, from which it’s easy to fly pretty much anywhere. I covered travel for a living as a journalist. And I lived a very seamless lifestyle where I didn’t have any pets, kids, or property to worry about when I left home.
During COVID, when travel suddenly became a lot more difficult logistically, I started to really question the sustainability of my life before. I mean that both in a climate sense, but also in a nervous-system led one. I started to see, perhaps, how my unthinking relationship to travel hadn’t been serving me and had stopped me from really laying down roots where I actually lived. So by the time I had my son in 2022, my relationship to travel had changed quite a bit already. (I wrote about this in more depth here.)
I have family that lives in California — and I still like going to warmer countries! — so travel is definitely still a part of my life, but I view it differently now. Instead of immediately saying YES! to every trip, I think more deeply about whether a trip is worth the energetic cost, and what I hope to get out of it.
You talk a lot on Substack about building a village, so I’m curious about what that looks like when your “village” is all over the place. Do you plan trips around family or friends? Do you use travel to help build relationships? Bring people with you?
I took my son on a short haul trip in Europe when he was about 11 months old, and it did not go well. My nervous system was shredded, and I didn’t enjoy it. The idea that I could be this easy-breezy mom traveling with her son all over the world was once very appealing to me. But I quickly realized I cannot do that and enjoy myself at the same time. I don’t doubt that some people can (good for them!) but my parenting style — and my child — thrive on routine. You can’t get around the fact that travel upsets all that.
Since then, we’ve had a pretty hard rule about travel with our kid: We’re only going through the strife of traveling with a baby or toddler if we have help at the other end. So far, in his life, we’ve done two trips to the USA to see my family, and my parents have been waiting for us on the other end with a fully optimized grandparent setup: carseat, crib at their house, toys etc. When we take him to London to see his cousins, we are staying at their house with two little boys and everything we could possibly need. It’s so much easier to relax and feel like the trip is worth it when there are other adults and kids around. Which is no surprise, because that is precisely how the project of raising kids is supposed to look.
We have been lucky enough to go on vacation a few times on our own since we had him, and for that we are lucky to rely on our village as well (both sets of grandparents: one that lives locally, and my parents who have flown in for these trips). We actually moved to a different part of the country when my son was 2 years old so that we could be closer to this form of support. It was the best decision we’ve ever made.
As expats, it can feel like you’re constantly “traveling.” How do you make going on a trip feel like home?
I think go for longer, if you can. It’s so normalized now, but flying across the world is a pretty wild thing to do when you stop and think about it. I used to think nothing of flying to LA from London for a week, but now I would avoid that and prefer trips where there is time to adjust and not be in a constant state of jet lag for a month. Otherwise, it’s just not worth the cost for me – when you are traveling with kids, a one week trip can easily take a month out of your life between prep, recovery, and disrupted sleep. If we are lucky enough to travel more in the future to more far flung places, I hope we can adopt this approach.
For babies 0-1, what’s your biggest piece of travel advice?
Do not fall for the “free seat” fallacy if you’re flying long haul. Sure, if your baby is less than six months old, you can probably use the in-flight bassinet — but only if you’re lucky enough to be allocated it. (Take it from me that there’s no guarantee of that!) But keep in mind those bassinets are tiny. If your baby is a healthy size, or over the age of six months, they are probably not going to fit in it. Which means you will be carrying that baby on your body for the entire flight. This can be way more exhausting than it sounds, especially if your baby doesn’t sleep or is active and wants to move around. So think carefully about whether you want to do that, and possibly buy the extra to make your life much easier and your flight more comfortable.
And one bonus tip: If your baby drinks formula, pack way more than you think you might need for a long haul flight. Just like adults, babies get thirsty on planes, so they may drink far more than their usual amount. This is also handy in case you get delayed.
For toddlers 2-5, what’s your biggest piece of travel advice?
My number one rule is what I said above: Have help. I realize not everyone has grandparents for this, so think about this expansively. It could be in the form of a kids club at your accommodation, another family you’re traveling with (groups of kids can be a great form of childcare!), or even a babysitter you hire on the other end so you get some guaranteed down time during the trip. My point is: Don’t think that something is wrong with you because you don’t enjoy parenting your kids 24/7 in another location. If help is not possible, I think you need to adjust your expectations that traveling with kids isn’t a vacation, it’s parenting in another destination without your routine and familiar setup. It actually might suck quite a bit. Be clear-eyed about whether that’s worth it.
Other than that, I think it’s important to realize that travel is a really big ask for a little person. If they behave like a maniac, or don’t seem to be having a good time, or just want to eat butter noodles even though they are at the world’s most amazing pizza restaurant, give them a break.
The best place to stay with toddlers is…
There is a Premier Inn at London Heathrow airport that I swear by. (It’s the Terminal Five one.) Since we live 3 hours away from London now, we typically travel to the airport the day before our flight and stay there overnight. The staff at this airport is so nice and accommodating, and seem to understand that if you’re staying at an airport hotel with small children, you probably need a glass of wine rather quickly. The hallways are super long and great for running and getting energy out. Also note that some of the Heathrow Airport terminals have soft play facilities, which is an absolute god-send before a flight, so get to the terminal early!
The top pieces of gear Rosie never leaves home without…
My son isn’t stroller age anymore, but we loved the Nuna trvl stroller for trips on planes and trains as well as for daily life in the UK, where big strollers don’t really work. The one-handed fold-down is absolutely key, and it fits in an overhead bin. Now that he’s a bit older, we love the travel size version of Magna Tiles! Perfect for train journeys and restaurants before you need to pull out the iPad so you can actually eat.
What’s your best travel memory with your kiddo so far?
I took my son to London via train over Christmas to stay with his cousins. We took them to see Big Ben which was extremely chaotic because the area was filled with tourists—the busiest I’d ever seen it. That night, they were watching some kids show I can’t remember the name of, but the episode centered around Big Ben. All of their little faces lit up having seen the real thing earlier in the day, and it was so sweet. It made the chaos of the day totally worth it. 💂
Thank you, Rosie! I truly hadn’t been thinking about travel in this way at all. It’s funny how much parenting can change a person and then here I am, still stuck in the same “traveler not tourist” mindset with my family. Time to schedule that California trip to visit some of our people, I think!
Thanks for being here.
Talking about my childhood village makes me suuuper nostalgic for a proper summer. I’m talking catching fireflies, popsicles on the stoop, running through the sprinkler kind of summer. I don’t usually do a bucket list thing, but I have set myself a goal for this summer to find a body of water at least once a week to plunk myself down next to. A friend of mine once did a bucket list where her goal was to try as many different local ice cream places as possible…currently a front-runner as my other to-do.
There are tons of lakes and pond beaches near us and I’m still trying to figure out which one is worth a summer membership. My current favorite has crystal-clear lake water, a nice sandy beach, a mini-playground, and a lifeguard on duty. We’ll be there every free day we have for the foreseeable future, I think.
To snack shacks and sandy decks of cards,
Kayla
If you liked this post, please consider supporting my work. I’m just a mom in the thick of the toddler years trying to create core memories for our whole family while minimizing meltdowns—I sincerely hope this helps you do the same.
This post was originally published on Travel with Toddlers. Subscribe for more real-talk travel advice, toddler-friendly itineraries, and tried-and-true gear recommendations.
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