I thought I knew mental load before I had kids. My brain is always buzzing around at top speed, especially when I’ve got a writing deadline. (They say 50% of writing is thinking, and I certainly feel that way.)
The same logic is true of planning travel. There’s a rhythm to it, a…pick a destination—> make the itinerary —> find the flights —> find the hotels —> book the fun stuff. I love, love whizzing around the internet looking at gorgeous photography or videography of far-flung destinations first to get a vibe of a place and second to isolate exactly where they are and what they booked to do it. The absolute millennial RUSH of optimizing a vacation down to the minute and having the best time ever is what kept me planning trip after trip in our DINK era.
Travel mental load used to be a hobby.
I used to plan trips for fun. I have a GDoc tucked away of bucket-list trips with complete itineraries to multiple destinations just because one day I got bored and needed a project. I figured, maybe I’ll get a flight deal and then boom, we’re ready to go! Of course, then the pandemic happened, and I had to leave the bucket listing and “top x to do in y” listicles behind. I think that’s a good thing, all things considered, and I’m so grateful to have had an era in my life where I could drop everything and go just because there was a good Groupon.
So when we talk about mental load for travel now, part of what’s hard is that it used to be in the “fun” category of things. Like, ooooh where should we go next? And somehow, after having a baby, like much of the other parts of adult life, it went from fun to…a chore. In the same way that I used to love planning and cooking dinner, and now I am the kind of person that can burn a chili or accidentally put sugar instead of salt in something, the mental aspect of taking a trip is often just as strenuous as the actual travel day.
What goes into planning a trip with a toddler:
Maybe you, too, feel this way. For me, hauling all of our stuff to and fro is not what makes traveling with kiddos so difficult. Physically, I can do it. Mentally, though…adding it to the ever-growing pile of plates spinning sometimes just doesn’t work.
It’s picking a place knowing you might not see it at all. It’s a packing list that’s not just long it’s high-stakes—ye who have never forgotten the “special” pacifier, be grateful—and then putting all the money behind it.
When I plan a trip with my toddler, it starts in my brain weighing decisions like:
- What destinations are appropriate for my toddler at this age?
- Can we handle a flight that’s x hours long? Should we bring the carseat on the flight or check it?
- Is there a time zone change and if so, how will we work around/with that?
- What cultural norms exist in this place about children?
- What accessibility norms and laws exist in this place? Will we be able to use a stroller, for example, or are there cobblestones/no ramps/no space?
- What items do we need to pack? Is this an “opposite season” adventure where I need to go buy clothes for my toddler specifically for this one week because last summer/winter they were a different size?
- What is our plan for naptime? Will they even nap???
- Are there restaurants on property or easy walking distance away that open at 4:30 PM or 5 PM because that is when we need to eat dinner? Do they have kid-friendly food? Do they have high chairs available? Do they take reservations?
- What activities will we do? Are there activities for multiple ages/stages (including adults?) Can my toddler handle a museum/festival/hike that I really want to do in this destination?
- Do we need to rent a car or can we travel with public transportation? Is public transportation stroller friendly?
Ahhhh reading this makes my head feel like it’s gonna explode. 🤯 And I’ve already done so much foundational administrative work, like making sure my kid has a passport (they expire every 5 years for minors, pass it on!) or staying on top of our points and miles. I’ve been professionally involved in travel for a long time and still, this is hard for me on top of everything else with motherhood.
Balancing the mental load so travel gets fun again.
I don’t really have an answer to ~all this~ because this isn’t something you can Fair Play your way out of, because it’s supposed to be fun. I mean, you go into some destinations knowing it’s a lot of work (ahem, Disney, ahem) but all this runs through my head even for a classic “plop” vacation to the Caribbean. Where we are doing…nothing!
If there’s one thing that’s worked so far, it’s breaking up the drudgery tasks (actually booking things, mining points and miles, calling the hotel for more detailed information about their family-friendly amenities) and the fun aspects of travel planning (for me, picking the destination, choosing the hotel, and brainstorming activities…I’m an idea gal!) I’ve been up at 5:30 AM the last few days booking Disney dining reservations and phew, I gotta call my Mom and tell her how much I appreciate her for all the executive functioning she taught me and how she executed these kinds of high-mental-load trips so well when I was a kid.
Thanks for being here.
Same powder energy.
All this to say, I get why so many people don’t think traveling with little kids isn’t “worth it.” But the thing is, none of this mental load is going away. (Well, maybe some of the stroller logistics.) I take being the magic maker so seriously in my family. I know it’s “extra.” I know it’s supposed to be fun. These are dark times and I’m going to cling to whatever fun and magic I can create, as best I can.
If sometimes you’re feeling like, wow, maybe this is just so stressful I should stay home? Don’t let it win! You can do it, really, I believe in you. Saying this as much for me as for you…
You’ll feel better with toes in the sand, promise,
Kayla
If you liked this post, please consider supporting my work. I’m just a mom in the thick of the toddler years trying to create core memories for our whole family while minimizing meltdowns—I sincerely hope this helps you do the same.
This post was originally published on Travel with Toddlers. Subscribe for more real-talk travel advice, toddler-friendly itineraries, and tried-and-true gear recommendations.
