I was standing in line at an airport restaurant with my son when I realized how I parented him needed to change. I’d always prided myself in giving my seven-year-old a choice in the things he could control, but this time, asking him to make a quick decision between a milkshake or a donut made him frustrated and angry.
“I can’t make a decision that fast! That’s so mean and unfair,” he fired back at me. The damage was done; my offers to give him more time or to choose for him were fruitless. He was upset and needed time to himself—in a crowded airport, no less—to calm down.
I’d started reading, The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron, and suspected my son had the genetic trait she describes as highly sensitive in her book. It made me realize the way I process quick decisions in busy airports may be different from how my son can. Instead of pushing him to be more expeditious like me, I knew I needed to become more sympathetic to the differences in our personality traits.
BIG TRIP IDEAS: 50 family vacation ideas for your best next trip
“There’s brain science on the thalamus, the gatekeeper for information, allowing more information,” says Sophie Schauermann, Clinical Director of Rooted Rhythm Therapy. “The sensitive brain that sees something positive or negative, whether that be birthday cakes and puppies or snakes and car crashes, the brain actually gets more lit up and stays lit up for longer.”
Dr. Aron’s book explains that up to 20% of kids and adults are highly sensitive. That means about one in five people not only take in more information than average, but also process it more intensely. Highly sensitive people tend to feel emotions more deeply. They also may need more time to assess a situation, or choose what’s best for them.
Most highly sensitive children and adults are introverted, so initially I didn’t think my outgoing son fit into this category. Dr. Aron’s book clarified that up to 30% of highly sensitive people are extroverted. It allowed me to see how even though my son enjoys visiting new places and talking to strangers, he’s still profoundly analyzing it all.
“We see big highs and lows. Sometimes, even within the same hour, it’s the worst day or the best day of our lives, and parents like hearing that because they think about having a really fun time on a vacation and, why is my child having the worst time? It’s just because that pendulum swing of the big highs and lows can be big, and I teach parents to normalize that,” Schauermann says.
PEP TALK: The important thing my kid taught me about memory and travel
My patient and kind son also thoroughly connects with the people and places we visit. Whether admiring the beauty of Maple trees and raked stone at Portland’s Japanese Gardens, or figuring out how to play with children who speak different languages than him, it’s wondrous to observe him take in the world from his perspective.
After reflecting on trips to 20 countries and 16 states with my son, I’ve learned a lot about how to travel with a highly sensitive child. With Schauermann’s guidance, here’s what I now prioritize each time we go on vacation.
Share travel plans ahead of time
As a trip approaches, I tell my son where we’re going and what we’ll do. Setting expectations gives him time to think about the changes coming to his daily routine. I show him pictures if I have them, and give him time to ask questions about any part of our trip he may be unsure about.
When travel plans go awry, we talk through changes and how stressful they can feel, especially since highly sensitive people may experience higher cortisol levels as they navigate unexpected scenarios.
Plan for downtime
During the trip, it’s essential to include time to rest and relax, especially on high activity days. A quiet break after lunch helps us all recharge for the day’s second wind.
“Sensitive kids do have a strong need to unwind and regulate and process. They might even need a couple of hours of screen time just to tune out and process and let their brain settle,” Schauermann says.
JET LAG TIPS: 7 steps to help kids and parents manage jet lag
Screen time can be fraught with judgment, but according to Schauermann, relying on technology isn’t an automatic negative when traveling with highly sensitive kids.
“Anecdotally, I found that some of the sensitive kids that we work with really need some time to almost, check out and dissociate when they’ve taken in too much. They need some unwind, nothing time. And so I support parents in making choices that are aligned with their values around this,” she says.
Honoring boundaries
For spring break, I booked my son and I to stay at the Novotel Belo Horizonte Hotel in Brazil specifically for the lobby’s two-story spiral slide. I envisioned my son sliding for hours, as I watched him from the hotel lobby’s couch.
When we arrived, as excited as my son was to see the indoor slide, once he got to the top, he decided the slide was too big and dark; he didn’t want to risk feeling scared.
I do my best to honor his boundaries with excursions and trying new foods, even if that means we don’t eat or experience everything I hoped we would on a once-in-a-lifetime trip.
Making time for connection
Whether going to a theme park or a bookstore together, I cherish the one-on-one time with my son, and now I know that it can regulate him too. According to Schauermann, planning for just 20 minutes of bonding time with a caregiver on a trip can feel restorative for a highly sensitive child.
“For sensitive kids to have a model of another sensitive person that’s also learning their own boundaries and their own limits and how they regulate and how they honor their own sensitivities, that’s a gift, and they also usually get a high level of attunement from those family members,” Schauermann says.
GREAT FOR ALL KIDS: 10 perks for kids that make Beaches Resorts special
Even though I’m more rash in decision-making and don’t feel emotions as deeply, Schauermann helped me see how I can also be a positive guide for my son.
“The non-sensitive person or parent can also be such a gift to the highly sensitive child because they’re modeling not taking things in so deeply. And a lot of times they’re able to hold space if they choose to understand the sensitive child and learn about it and all of this. They’re able to hold space for the highly sensitive child without getting so enmeshed in becoming the feeling.”
Celebrate the wins
We were spending an afternoon at Rochester, New York’s Seabreeze Amusement Park, a classic theme park with dozens of rides and water attractions. My son had just finished riding the swing carousel when a small, pop-up storm mandated that everyone take cover from lightning underneath designated awnings near the park’s midway games.
“I never get to have any fun!” The bold declaration burst out of my son’s body just before thunder cracked through the air, as if it were adding emphasis to his frustration.
I now know it’s common for kids like my son to have big reactions. I began sympathizing with him, talking through his disappointment as we waited out the storm.
“I know! It’s so frustrating when you want to go on the water rides now, but we have to wait,” I affirmed.
About twenty minutes later, the skies cleared and rides opened again. Once park employees gave the all-clear, my son skipped-ran ahead of me to the Log Flume, which he rode three times in a row. Each nose dive down the ride’s artificial waterfall put a bigger smile on his face.
Once he’d had his fill of the ride, I gently reminded him that everything turned out alright after our wait. As he agreed, I internally celebrated my major mom win.
