“It seems like a lot of effort.”
That’s the main reaction I get from other parents when I tell them we’re doing another trip. And you know what? They’re not wrong. It is a lot of effort. But usually, the effort that it takes to travel with a toddler has nothing to do with the toddler and everything to do with…all the other stuff.
The first time we flew, I braced myself so hard for the inevitable screaming/meltdown/judgment from other passengers that I was the one who had the meltdown, folding myself as small as I could into my chair while my toddler happily munched on snacks and exclaimed about the clouds passing by. I counted the seconds, worrying that they would snap and they’d be too wiggly just as the seatbelt sign went on. Or that they’d start screaming and we’d be out of snacks. The worst part about being a writer is that my imagination (and anxiety) has no bounds.
It was totally fine.
Did you even fly if you don’t take an over the wing picture?
We did get the wiggles, and my partner ran them up and down the aisle. My toddler remained delighted by the miracle of flight and the privilege of watching Bluey. We did have a blowout, but I brought a change of clothes and all was well. We did not run out of snacks. (I’m pretty sure I brought an entire pantry’s worth with me.)
The problem was me.
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When “failure to plan is a plan to fail” absolutely backfires
My own expectations were disaster-level horror stories told to me by other parents/the Internet and so, the idea of facing those things at 30,000 feet in a tiny tube screaming across the sky was just Too Much. (This may be a good place to note that I hate flying! I do it anyway! So I was already at capacity, so to speak.)
It’s not that meltdowns won’t happen. I mean, that’s an impossible expectation to hold for your toddler, in the same way that you have to know your baby is going to cry because that’s what babies do. For me, it was just waiting for the other shoe to drop that made me so tense I couldn’t roll with anything.
This is my long-winded, embarrassing way to tell you that your expectations and your attitude influence your travel days just as much as whatever is happening. Your kids pick up your energy, and that whole thing about putting on your oxygen mask first really does matter. I needed to get my head on straight and I couldn’t because of this rigid idea that traveling with kids is absolutely horrible.
Are there horrible moments? Oh my gosh, of course. But overall, what I’ve learned over many flights and destinations is that I’d much, much rather parent in another place, try something new, see and experience the awe and wonder on my kiddo’s face, than sit at home.
Because honestly? The hard parts aren’t even really the kid:
1. The sheer volume of STUFF.
If there’s ever a time I’ve been grateful for collegiate athletics, it’s at the airport. The number of times I’ve had to run, full tilt, to catch a flight carrying 40+ pounds of baggage—anyway, thanks coach, and I’m sorry I complained so much.
The amount of stuff with babies and toddlers is a true physical challenge, especially when they’re still in diapers. The bare minimum we always bring on board are:
- A travel carseat for the flight and rental/car service1
- Travel stroller that folds up in the overhead bin (lifesaver!)
- A great carrier for babywearing through security (c/o)
- A small cooler for breastmilk/pre-made formula bottles/pouches. TSA will probably give you trouble for this but you ARE allowed to bring it.
- Carry on 1: Changes of clothes for everyone, when-we-land outfits if it’s a different climate, and extra diapers
- Carry on 2: All the snacks, headphones, and surprises2
- Kid Carry on: 1-2 special toy surprises (this one is always a hit) and a stuffie
And this is after we drop the checked bags! It’s heavy, it’s hard, and for some reason there are never carts at Boston Logan when we get there so we just schlep it.
For a road trip, we often add on a larger cooler for snacks, and when my toddler was little, the baby bouncer came with us everywhere. Otherwise it’s pretty much the same.
2. Managing everyone else’s energy, including mine.
I was prepared for a lot of aspects of motherhood—diaper changes, tantrums, the absolute joy of baby giggles—but the way I get overstimulated so much more easily? Why didn’t anyone tell me about that!!
This is a totally new phenomenon for me as a person, and one that has really changed how I approach travel in particular. I used to plan all-day excursions that hit every major tourist attraction, required 10,000+ steps, and involved eating as many pastries as possible. I once did a 12 hour Rome-in-a-Day trip that started and ended with a 3 hour drive! LOLLLLLL.
Now I am solidly a “one activity per day” person, and that’s for me, not for my toddler. Nap time/quiet time is a non-negotiable so that I can lie down too. It’s hard to know there’s a really great bakery down the street but we are napping now and there won’t be time to go try it. On our cruise, for example, I didn’t see a single Broadway-style show in the evening—one of the biggest reasons you take a Disney cruise! We just couldn’t do it.
Much of this is making sure I’m being intentional about our itinerary, and remembering that any trip we do these days is about exposing our toddler to something new and different, or a “taste test” of a destination to see if we’d like to go back when they’re older. And that’s okay. It means we’re not doing a ton of big-ticket, expensive destinations, either, and that the property we choose to stay at matters a lot more than before since we spend more downtime in our rooms.
3. Taming the millennial urge to capture the moment instead of living in it.
This one is maybe just a me problem, but I came of age during the Facebook albums of 543 somewhat-blurry photos of every single moment of an adventure and then in college, doing it for the ‘gram. Adding the emotional layer of—they’re never going to be this little again, you only get 18 summers, etc etc—I’m constantly snapping photos.
This is a phone problem because it’s so easy to pull it out of my pocket, but it’s also a be-in-the-moment problem that I know many parents have. Oh my goodness, look at their face as they see a butterfly! That smile because Mickey is right there! The way they’re crushing that popsicle!
I’m constantly battling this urge to take a photo, and I know I still take too many. What’s helped is:
- Going into a trip or an outing with some of the shots I know want to take, especially if it’s a destination we’ve gone to before. For example, there’s this one spot at Disney my sister and I took pictures at every single time we visited growing up, and so that’s where I spend my “say cheese” energy instead of all over the place.
- Setting a designated time for family photos, before dinner, one of the nights so I know we have at least one photo of all of us together.
- Paying extra for professional photography at places like an all-inclusive resort, so I know I’m getting great shots (with me in the picture too!) so I can calm down about capturing every moment.
Okay, sometimes it is the toddler.
Alright, sometimes it really is hard because toddlers are hard. The wiggles! My toddler is high energy (and so am I!) and the literal travel days take so much effort on containment and entertainment. That part is very real.
The rest of the hard toddler stuff, at least for us, has been holding safety boundaries. No, you cannot run away into a crowd of people!! You cannot cross the street while cars are whooshing by!! You cannot climb a ten-foot wall!! Do older kids have a better sense of life preservation? Asking for me.
So yes, it is high effort, and anyone who says otherwise just can’t remember what it was like to have little kids or their little kids are perfect well-behaved angels 100% of the time which…good for them, I guess?
Thanks for being here.
Aforementioned special travel stuffie – had to capture his first flight, too!
High effort, yes. But the highest of rewards once you make it to your destination. Whenever I’m feeling depressed about the state of the world, or work, or whatever, travel is almost always the answer. I’m not talking escape hatches to paradise (though that is nice!) but even a weekend visiting family just hanging out, reminding ourselves what life is truly about—that always fills my cup.
I forget sometimes that everything is still so new for them. The absolute awe on my toddler’s face as we stepped up to the old-fashioned ice cream window to find out there’s a hundred flavors to choose from. “You mean I can get bubblegum ice cream?”
Yeah, kid. Life is good.
I’m getting moose tracks,
Kayla
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